Sunday, May 27, 2012
My relationship with my dad is a weird one. I have spoke on it on my blog before (http://bf3ars.blogspot.com/2009/08/letter-to-my-father.html) and also wrote a song about it. I just really don't understand him or his mindset. I used to be mad, angry, and upset at him. Now that I am older, I no longer feel that way. I just take it for what it is. We will never have a typical father-daughter relationship and I have accepted that and come to terms with it. We don't talk everyday or even once a week. If I'm lucky we might talk once a month. And that's fine. I don't understand it, but it's life. The more I have gotten older I realize as much as I tried to distance myself from him, he will never not be apart of my life. Now that I have a kid of my own, his behavior doesn't make any sense to me. I could never see myself treating my daughter how he treated me. Especially now that I'm older and he doesn't have to deal with my mom, he can come directly to me. It's cool tho. I just have came to terms with it. One thing that connects me and my dad is our love for the game of basketball. One thing he did for me was to instill a love for the game that has never died. And for that I am forever grateful. Whenever he was in my life when I was younger, we always went to the park and ran with the guys. After everyone left we'd play one on one. I could never beat him and it make me feel a certain way. Yesterday, for the first time ever I beat him, 12-5. I was ecstatic and overjoyed. I wanted to scream and shout to the top of my lungs and tell the whole world. That's when I realized it. No matter what happens, he will always have an influence on my life in some way or another. Basically, I don't hate him anymore. I just understand our "relationship" and take it for what it is.
The past few days, I have been thinking real hard. I had a revelation! I really need to make a conscious effort to watch my mouth. I am going to try really hard to eliminate swear words from my vocabulary. There are many reasons for this. I mean honestly, they don't serve a purpose. It's pointless. My roommate brought me a Christian bracelet and I can't wear that and call myself a child of God if I am cussing like a sailor. It doesn't make sense. Also my daughter is getting older and that is not the type of influence she needs to be around growing up and learning how to talk. Today during a sermon, the preacher also spoke on how the words that come out of our mouths are a representation of us and God. I am not perfect and every night I pray to be more like Christ and represent him in a good way. This is just another step towards that goal. I know it's not going to happen over night, but I am going to work hard!