What Would It Be Like?

Its 8:41 AM & i have slept a total of 9 hours the past two days. But hey that's life. lol. but anyways i am looking on this website called blackcelebritykids.com. I love that website. It has news and pics of all the little babies and the teenagers as well. I cant help but to think what would life be like, if i was Diddy's daughter, or one of Russel's nieces. They never have to work a day in their life, ya know. Like it must be nice.

I always wondered how God assessed who got what life. Like how he picks out our life for us. I mean I will always have to work hard for any and everything i get. not that I'm complaining but i have accepted that fact in my life. No silver spoon, I'm eating with a plastic fork right now. Will this make me a better person in the long run? Better yet, will it even matter? Random questions from a very random person.

All this, is just what it seems. I learned today that another girl in my high school class is pregnant. I'm pretty sure there are only 3 of us who don't have a baby (or babies in some cases). Half had their babies during high school and the other half right after. Crazy. (this is crazy too: www.bit.ly/c95e3Q).

As much as I want kids (only two, a boy and a girl), I refuse to bring my child into this world without being properly cared for. I want my child to have it all and to never have to want for anything.

I was thinking the other day, like gosh I'm gonna be an old mom. But I'd rather be that, that be a young mom struggling to make ends meet. My child WILL have a wonderful life that I'm sure. I pray every night that when I do procreate my child will come out with ten fingers ten toes and disease free.

All this goes to say, have you ever wondered about what life would be like if you were filthy rich? would you want that life? are you satisfied with your life?
Talk to me.

whats on my mind right now

right now, its 7:44 pm on January 3rd, 2010. This is whats on my mind. I might offend some ppl but eff it its my blog. & i dont care anymore.

As mean as this may sound, in 2010 I have to learn to be more selfish. It hurts but its true. Sometimes, i sacrifice my own happiness so others can be happy. In 2010 that will not be the case. I sometimes bite my tongue cuz i dont want to hurt ppls feelings. I bite my tongue because its the "right thing to do". Says who? I mean if I told all yall what I really think and stuff yall might think I need to be institutionalized. dead ass.

This month at home has made me realize how much I need my own place, my own space. I really need it. I need my self time. The time I set aside each day for me, has been interrupted. My shower time is the only time I have to myself. Its quiet relaxing and I can talk and vent to myself. (Dont act like yall dont talk in the shower lol dead ass tho). I need that.

Im confused. I want to work hard one day, and the next I want to be lazy. Im so tired of people who say a college degree is the route to a better life. Yes, but no. When I see idiots with a 7th grade reading level who are millionaires, I wonder to myself, why them? But i cant worry about the next person I gotta be focused on me and getting me to where I need to go so i can better the life of myself and my family.

I sometimes wonder. I really think I was put on this earth to teach and to better people. At the same time, Im tired of having to worry about money, and count every dollar and budget. But the life of a teacher isnt million dollar dreams. So im conflicted. Do I switch my major and go for the money? or stay in Education and go for the people? Always get a job you like they say. Well whats good if I have a job I like, but..... man I dont even know.

Then this military thing. Im not gone even lie. Im going for stability for myself and my brothers and sisters. Honestly if it wasnt for them and my lil cousins I wouldnt even be in college. Such is the life of a role model. Lol. Im not complaining tho. I love them and wouldnt be half the person I am without them. They better me in more ways than one.

As far as I can remember the only thing that makes me happy is _____. But what happens when ____ is taking from me? It makes me humble, and more focused and driven.

Thats all my ranting for now. I could go on, but i digress.

#nowplaying Show TuFli-Come Home With Me

Growing Up

I first noticed the change in high school. From my junior year to my senior year I noticed a big change. I didnt know what it was. I thought something might have been wrong with me. But someone told me, "you're fine. you're maturing." At first I didnt know what that meant. I just shook it off. But then I had real life examples guide me through. Things I did when I was a junior I didnt do when I was a senior. Things like cutting class, talking back, getting smart. I just didnt do it. Not that I didnt have the urge to, I did. But a little voice in my head just told me it wasnt the right thing to do.

Flash forward to college. I swear everyday I am tested. I dont know why but I am. Anybody that knows me knows I have a bad mouth and an even badder attitude. So sometimes I think people like to test me, on purpose. Today, I receive an email from my advisor telling me I need to meet with him before Friday. I have been hasseling him since last week to meet so I can do my schedule and today he finally emails me back. So I already had an attitude about that. So he asked when could I meet I put "tomorrow morning?" His return email told me I was rude and disrespectful for a two word answer. This is his exact text
"You will need to call the Education office and make an appointment. We are not on call to appear when you choose. Your two word email giving me less than 12 hours notice is rude and disrespectful, especially given the attitude that I should be available all morning so you could visit at whatever time you choose."
I didnt feel I was rude nor disrespectful & I certainly didnt mean to come off that way. I started to give him a piece of my mind, but that little voice intervened.
Instead I said:
"Sorry you felt that way sir. I didn't intend to be rude nor disrespectful & I'm sorry you took it that way. I don't have a phone so there isn't a way I could call."
Im soooooo proud of myself cuz I really wanted to cuss him out. Its not just that instance. Its soooo much more that this man does to me. He intenionally makes my life at college difficult.

Another reason I try to bite my tongue is because I'm an African-American. I really try not to do anything that will bring my race down. I am trying to uplift and inspire (one of the reasons I want to be a teacher) and I know that African-Americans have stereotypes. And I try to do my best not to engage in any of those stereotypes.

Sorry for this rant I had to get it off my chest. I am proud of the growth I have had thus far, and look forward to continuing my journey in this life.

Jesus Can't Save You, Life Starts When The Church Ends..

Okay so me and a dear friend of mine (What's up L.A) where discussing the music industry and the devil like a month ago before the Empire State of Mind song blew up. We were talking about the numerous refernces to it in Jay-Z's song Run This Town (http://vigilantcitizen.com/?p=1948). It made me think real long and hard. At first I passed it off as just heresay. I mean Jay Z? worshipping the devil? It was a bit much. Then I read it a second time and it was like a light turned on. The devil uses powerful to get to us. We (people in general) memorize and recite these raps with second nature. Its making more sense now.

The other day, me and L.A. did a small facebook experiment. We both changed our status to the now infamous Jay Z line in Empire State of Mind: "Jesus Can't Save You, Life Starts When The Church Ends". I left it there for 24 hours maybe a little more. Out of all 750+ friends on facebook only 2 said something to me about my status. & most of the people on my facebook are "christians" & love God etc. I was a little disappointed and disturbed. I did it to get reactions and I didnt get any & disturbed because if these so called "Christians" will let someone they know openly disrespect Christ by name, what else were they letting slide?

I think Jay Z needs to explain the line. Immediately. I could see where he is saying "Jesus cant save you" In the context of the story if you read between the lines before that line, it seems as he is saying you can’t be a whore all week and go to Church on Sunday to repent. You can’t just be innocent in Church and be sinning all week after that. But "life starts when the Church ends? huh? im confused Mr. Carter. And for the record, I have NOTHING against Atheists. A friend of mine is one. But to worship the devil is two different things.

I dont like the song anymore. I will boycott it & his music until he comes out with a response to let us know what he was meaning. Hip Hop is art, and art can be interpreted in many ways. Unfortunately his are being interpreted in the wrong way.

So readers I have said my piece, what do you guys/girls think? Be open & honest!

other links speaking on the topic:
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dApiC2-l04&feature=player_embedded]
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OYUSvHGFnQ&feature=response_watch]
[http://ajsdailydevotions.blogspot.com/2009/09/jay-z-says-jesus-cant-save-you-on-his.html]
[http://bit.ly/4zgRXm]

Changes...

"I guess change is good for any of us" - TuPac "I Aint Mad at Ya"

As I am writing this, I am either about to undergo or currently undergoing some changes. Some minor, some major but changes nonetheless. Some of these changes I cant speak on at the moment, but they will come to light sooner rather than later. I am extremely proud on getting an internship with Dr. Judith Green (google her if you don't know), and I cant wait until that begins.

But right now I am focused on one thing: School. Its hard staying focused when the finish line is so far away. That's kinda how I feel about school. I know I want a degree, I know I need a degree, and I know I'll get said degree, but when its paper after paper, assignment after assignment, its hard to think about "hey this is going to add up to a degree" which is nothing but a piece of paper telling an employer you are fit for a certain job. Ugh. The world today. Being the type of person I am, I lack patience. Seeing that I am studying to become a teacher, that might not be the best thing. LOL. But hey, it is what it is. School is teaching me patience.

I hate school. Seriously, its nothing more than I hate than listening to a professor talk to me about boring things i prolly wont remember next semester. Especially my Intro To Lit class. OMG sooo boring. But I know I HAVE to do it. So i suck it up and look at my arm and remember why I am in college in the first place.

Sometimes I wanna do a Kanye (College Dropout). Sometimes I feel like Lil' Jimmy:
"You keep it going man, you keep those books rolling,
You pick up those books your going to read
And not remember and you roll man"

I think life's not fair. It's true life's not fair. But there isnt anything any of us can do about it. Except play the game. And play it to win.

Ballon Boy (my take)

Unless you live under a rock, then you are familiar with the balloon boy story. if not please read (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/17/us/17blitzer.html) & (http://necolebitchie.com/2009/10/15/balloon-boy-admits-publicity-stunt) before reading any further.

What follows is strictly my OPINION!!! if you don't like it oh well, its my blog!!! anyways..

I was on twitter (twitter.com/bfears) when i began to take note of the balloon boy story by people posting thoughts on it. So I tuned in to TMZ's streaming live coverage of FOXNEWS. I was very worried and anxious and I was tweeting my thoughts as well. I was worried the boy might be dead because of the helium. Then once the balloon landed, and he didn't immediately crawled out my stomach dropped. I thought he was dead! Then the EMS crew didn't run over to him, I was shocked and baffled. Then when they said he wasn't in there, there was a report that the brother said he might have fell out. Then that was the first time there was doubt in my mind. When they found him safe at home, I thought it was a hoax, but I wasn't sure and I gave the balloon family the benefit of the doubt. But when I watched this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wI6UONWCq7A&feature=player_embedded) I knew it was a hoax. This (http://bit.ly/2iWJVf) further proved what i was thinking. This was a terrible hoax and the family should pay. Terrible terrible.

Million Dollar Baby