Relationship With My Dad

My relationship with my dad is a weird one. I have spoke on it on my blog before (http://bf3ars.blogspot.com/2009/08/letter-to-my-father.html) and also wrote a song about it. I just really don't understand him or his mindset. I used to be mad, angry, and upset at him. Now that I am older, I no longer feel that way. I just take it for what it is. We will never have a typical father-daughter relationship and I have accepted that and come to terms with it. We don't talk everyday or even once a week. If I'm lucky we might talk once a month. And that's fine. I don't understand it, but it's life. The more I have gotten older I realize as much as I tried to distance myself from him, he will never not be apart of my life. Now that I have a kid of my own, his behavior doesn't make any sense to me. I could never see myself treating my daughter how he treated me. Especially now that I'm older and he doesn't have to deal with my mom, he can come directly to me. It's cool tho. I just have came to terms with it. One thing that connects me and my dad is our love for the game of basketball. One thing he did for me was to instill a love for the game that has never died. And for that I am forever grateful. Whenever he was in my life when I was younger, we always went to the park and ran with the guys. After everyone left we'd play one on one. I could never beat him and it make me feel a certain way. Yesterday, for the first time ever I beat him, 12-5. I was ecstatic and overjoyed. I wanted to scream and shout to the top of my lungs and tell the whole world. That's when I realized it. No matter what happens, he will always have an influence on my life in some way or another. Basically, I don't hate him anymore. I just understand our "relationship" and take it for what it is.

Watching My Mouth!

The past few days, I have been thinking real hard. I had a revelation! I really need to make a conscious effort to watch my mouth. I am going to try really hard to eliminate swear words from my vocabulary. There are many reasons for this. I mean honestly, they don't serve a purpose. It's pointless. My roommate brought me a Christian bracelet and I can't wear that and call myself a child of God if I am cussing like a sailor. It doesn't make sense. Also my daughter is getting older and that is not the type of influence she needs to be around growing up and learning how to talk. Today during a sermon, the preacher also spoke on how the words that come out of our mouths are a representation of us and God. I am not perfect and every night I pray to be more like Christ and represent him in a good way. This is just another step towards that goal. I know it's not going to happen over night, but I am going to work hard!

Rest in Paradise BigFoot

SHAUN "BIG FOOT" "MR. EIGHTEENZ " BARLOW

I honestly was waiting to write this. Cuz I had just a lil sliver of hope that this would be a bad ass dream and I would wake up and everything would be okay. That's how delusional I am about this whole situation. I always say, Shit doesn't seem real til I see you laying in that casket and that couldn't have been true today. Damn man. Seeing you in that casket hurt me. I mean I wanted to fall to my knees and cry. I shed a few tears but I had to stay strong. I sure did cry in the shower when I got home tho. I have so many questions. They will never be answered. But I know for sure the good die young. Cuz you were a great individual. I was so blessed to have you in my life. You changed my life Shaun. You really did. I really do not have one bad thing to say about you. I hate that I am writing this. I really do. But I gotta keep all of our memories close to my heart. We have so many memories. I remember after work you used to come up to my dorm room and we would sit in the parking lot and talk about everything under the sun. Or what about the time it was like 12AM and we got kicked out of the waterfront park? LOL We had so many memories I could go on and on. But just know that you are missed and I am praying for your family. I know you are in heaven watching down on us. Thanks for the memories. I am thankful to have known you for the years that I did. I love and miss you. Watch over me please. I am going to stop now because the tears are starting to fall.

whats on my mind right now

right now, its 7:44 pm on January 3rd, 2010. This is whats on my mind. I might offend some ppl but eff it its my blog. & i dont care anymore.

As mean as this may sound, in 2010 I have to learn to be more selfish. It hurts but its true. Sometimes, i sacrifice my own happiness so others can be happy. In 2010 that will not be the case. I sometimes bite my tongue cuz i dont want to hurt ppls feelings. I bite my tongue because its the "right thing to do". Says who? I mean if I told all yall what I really think and stuff yall might think I need to be institutionalized. dead ass.

This month at home has made me realize how much I need my own place, my own space. I really need it. I need my self time. The time I set aside each day for me, has been interrupted. My shower time is the only time I have to myself. Its quiet relaxing and I can talk and vent to myself. (Dont act like yall dont talk in the shower lol dead ass tho). I need that.

Im confused. I want to work hard one day, and the next I want to be lazy. Im so tired of people who say a college degree is the route to a better life. Yes, but no. When I see idiots with a 7th grade reading level who are millionaires, I wonder to myself, why them? But i cant worry about the next person I gotta be focused on me and getting me to where I need to go so i can better the life of myself and my family.

I sometimes wonder. I really think I was put on this earth to teach and to better people. At the same time, Im tired of having to worry about money, and count every dollar and budget. But the life of a teacher isnt million dollar dreams. So im conflicted. Do I switch my major and go for the money? or stay in Education and go for the people? Always get a job you like they say. Well whats good if I have a job I like, but..... man I dont even know.

Then this military thing. Im not gone even lie. Im going for stability for myself and my brothers and sisters. Honestly if it wasnt for them and my lil cousins I wouldnt even be in college. Such is the life of a role model. Lol. Im not complaining tho. I love them and wouldnt be half the person I am without them. They better me in more ways than one.

As far as I can remember the only thing that makes me happy is _____. But what happens when ____ is taking from me? It makes me humble, and more focused and driven.

Thats all my ranting for now. I could go on, but i digress.

#nowplaying Show TuFli-Come Home With Me